I’d love to be able to proclaim that in 2018, the Equality for Unmarried Americans Act was passed. Of course, there is no such legislation, and in the 2018 political climate, even lesser goals may have been unrealistic. (There was some progress before 2017.) In other ways, though, 2018 was a good year for us. Singlism got recognized in some big ways, some useful debunking was accomplished, some important books were published, and there were other affirming and intriguing developments as well. Of course, there were also some disappointments.
Here’s my round-up of 2018, plus a look toward 2019.
Singlism Got Recognized in Some Big Ways
2018 was a big year for calling attention to singlism, the stereotyping, stigmatizing, marginalizing, and discrimination against single people:
- What better evidence do you need than the fact that Brides magazine (Brides!) published a story called, Are you guilty of singlism?.
- More seriously, singlism got called out in documentaries. Without using the word singlism, Libby Coleman described two criteria that need to be met in order for documentaries to get a passing grade on being reasonably free of singlism. (I discussed it here.)
- A new Facebook group was created, Fairness for Single People, for sharing examples of singlism to protest – as well as examples of positive practices to applaud.
- A 2018 analysis of employment trends by the Center for American Progress showed that single people are being left behind. They are more economically insecure than married people.
- In his new book, Has the gay movement failed?, Martin Duberman argued that marriage equality was too small a dream. The legalization of same-sex marriage created some positive changes, but it perpetuates the unfair practice of doling out benefits and protections based on marital status. That issue is also making waves in the UK.
- In Enduring bonds: Inequality, marriage, parenting, and everything else that makes families great and terrible, Philip N. Cohen takes apart destructive myths about single-parent families and much more. (Discussed in “Less marriage, more equality?”)
- Probably the biggest strides were made in pointing out singlism in health care. At Healthline, the article, “How medical professionals discriminate against single people,” was, if I remember correctly, the most popular article on the site for about a week. Health Psychologist, a publication of the Health Psychology division of the American Psychological Association, published Singlism in American Medicine: Patients without Partners Face Stereotyping and Discrimination. Other examples are here and here.
- Single people typically have fewer ways of accessing health insurance than married people do, so perhaps it is not surprising that some people really do marry for health insurance, as research shows. There was one ray of hope amidst all this documentation of the ways in which single people are disadvantaged in the health care system. A new study showed that Obamacare improved the lives of single people, though much remains to be done.
Some Useful Debunking
- Do you believe in the power of the “success sequence”? Maybe you shouldn’t.
- Do you think single people are selfish? You may just have that exactly wrong.
- Want to pin the blame for the supposed epidemic of loneliness on single people or people who live alone? Nope. Not anymore.
A Good Year for Solitude, Friendship, and More Expansive Thinking about Relationships, Family, and Ways of Living
A good year for single people is evident not just when singles are discussed directly in an affirming way, but also when aspects of their lives that are often marginalized are instead recognized and celebrated. (See also the section below on books.)
Solitude
In 2018, solitude got some of the respect it deserves, providing a much-needed counterpoint to all the obsessing about loneliness. (That’s significant, but it is also important to recognize that time alone is often experienced as sweet, sweet solitude.) Solitude made it into some wonderful essays and analyses (discussed here). Scholars delved into it, too, showing, for example, that there are different motivations for seeking solitude and that pure solitude can be calming.
Friendship and relationships other than romantic ones
The important people in our lives include so many varieties other than just romantic partners. This was a good year for acknowledging friendships and other important non-romantic relationships in essays and books. Researchers jumped in, too, showing, for example, that friendship may be sweeter when you are single.
More open-minded thinking about relationships also means challenging the usual relationship hierarchy and scripts for being in relationships. It also means putting sex in its places, whether that means acknowledging that young adults are having less sex, that some people just aren’t all that interested, or that some are quite interested but not that smitten by monogamy.
Different kinds of families, different ways of living
The families we choose have never been more important. In 2018, that point has more often been acknowledged. The different meanings of home and family and different ways of living that I documented a few years ago in How We Live Now have continued to be discussed as more and more people are exploring ways of moving beyond nuclear family living.
The Family Story Project continues to do important work on the many ways to do family and live a good life. They are also great at exposing biases in the media that perpetuate harmful stereotypes.
Some Important Books Were Published
The year 2018 brought an impressive crop of books relevant to single people and single life, in addition to some of the ones mentioned in the section on singlism. Some are directly relevant to single people, and others are about topics especially relevant to single life, such as friendship and solitude. (I’m skipping over the books that are about being single while looking for a romantic partner, since I care most about living single life and not trying to escape it.)
Here, first, are the ones I’ve read:
No one tells you this, by Glynnis MacNicol
(Discussed here)
Leftover in China: The women shaping the world’s next superpower, by Roseann Lake
(Discussed here)
The art of not falling apart, by Christina Patterson
(Discussed here)
Alone time: Four seasons, four cities, and the pleasures of solitude, by Stephanie Rosenbloom
Text me when you get home: The evolution and triumph of modern female friendship, by Kayleen Schaefer
(Discussed here.)
And here are some others that I haven’t yet finished (or haven’t even started – but looking forward to reading):
One: Valuing the single life, by Clare Payne
(So far, a very good book; I’ll write about it once I finish it)
Go solo: How to have fun without the plus one, by Michelle Ponto
The art of living alone & loving it, by Jane Mathews
The new old maid: Satisfied single women, by Maureen Paraventi
Some Other Affirming or Intriguing Developments for Single People in 2018
New research shows that people no longer believe that you need to be married or have kids to be fulfilled. And don’t try to shame young adults about being single – they’re not having it.
We also learned something we probably already suspected – that single people value freedom more than married people do. But the study added an intriguing twist – single people also get more happiness out of their valuing of freedom.
The Washington Post is continuing to do what every major publication should: publish a blog devoted to single life. I usually ignore the posts at Solo-ish (and everywhere else) about dating, but when about a half-dozen people sent me links to this one, I realized why it is worth taking a look even at them now and again: Tinder and OkCupid have given up on finding you a soul mate. Even their ads admit it.
The online Community of Single People, started in 2015 for single people who want to live their single lives fully and joyfully and not obsess about dating, is still going strong.
Some affirming themes have made their way into popular culture. My wise sources from the Community of Single People tell me that Black Panther featured some badass women who were unpartnered and had no need for a partner and that on Alone Together, a TV show on Freeform, a man and a woman are best friends and never turn into romcom clichés. On the other hand, RBG was marred by all the hubby stuff (the author of the article about documentaries, mentioned above, thought so, too) and Book Club pushed four women into romantic relationships when they had been doing just fine on their own.
Psychotherapy Networker, a magazine for therapists, social workers, and counselors, published an article celebrating singles.
In 2018, we also learned more about the politics of single people. For example, a study showed that when congressional representatives have more people in their district who have never been married, they are less likely to support Trump’s agenda.
Disappointments
Not all of the singles-relevant news from 2018 was good news. Here are some of the low points.
- People who should know better continue to say that getting married makes people happier and healthier and better off in all sorts of ways. No, it doesn’t.
- There are college courses in which students get course credit for dating. Seriously. Here’s one example.
- Much to its everlasting shame, an academic journal published one of the world’s most egregiously bad studies, supposedly telling us something about single men. It was based on a Reddit thread. I made fun of it here.
- As has been true for a long time, people who write about single people or singlism do not always acknowledge the ideas and contributions that came before theirs. In some instances, maybe they don’t know about them. (In her memoir, “No One Tells You This,” MacNicol admits to not realizing it was possible to live a good life as a single person.) That’s why we need Singles Studies programs in our universities. Sometimes, people discuss a particular example of stereotyping or discrimination without using the word “singlism,” which would immediately connect their one instance to an entire pattern of disadvantage, which in turn would strengthen both their point and the whole notion of singlism.
- In the mainstream media, singlism does not get anywhere near the attention of other isms. Mostly, it is ignored.
- We single people in the U.S. haven’t created an activist movement for social justice, at the level of lobbying Congress or marching in the streets. But we have made some progress in getting our ideas out there, as this entire article attests, so that’s something.
Into the Future: 2019 Is Looking Very Promising for Single People
As I write this, 2019 is only a day old, but already there are indications that this could be a very good year for affirming and enlightening research and writings about single people and single life.
New Research
I get articles to review for scholarly journals, so that gives me some idea of the studies about single people likely to be published in the coming year. I can’t discuss the specifics until the research is available in the public domain, but I can tell you some general things, and they are all good.
First, researchers are finally getting past the point where, in just about all of their articles, single people are simply included as a comparison group in studies designed to show that getting married makes you happier or healthier. (It doesn’t.) Now, scholars are showing a real interest in the lives of single people, respecting them as important in and of themselves.
Second, one new study, once published, is going to shatter the suggestion that discrimination against single people is inconsequential. This research documents singlism that is a matter of life and death.
New Books
There are some terrific new books relevant to single people forthcoming in 2019. Here are just a few of the ones I know about.
Happy singlehood: The rising acceptance and celebration of solo living, by Elyakim Kislev.
I’ve read an early version of this and I am very excited about it.
No thanks: Black, female, and living in the martyr-free zone, by Keturah Kendrick.
This is not due out until June 2019, so there is no link yet, but I read an early version and was blown away. I’m hoping this new, bold, and totally unapologetic voice will make a big splash.
Love, Inc: Dating apps, the big white wedding, and chasing the happily neverafter, by Laurie Essig.
This is an important book and I predict that it will be noticed.
On being 40-ish, edited by Lindsey Mead.
This essay collection includes some great contributions relevant to single life, living alone, and valuing people beyond romantic partners. I inhaled it.
Childless: A historical companion for the 21st century, by Rachel Crastil.
Another important book I had the good fortune to see in advance. (It is not listed online yet.) Of course, there are single people who do have children, so the next book is also relevant.
Channel crossing: The challenge and success of single parenting, by Amy Carpenter.
This is an excellent book, too. (It is not yet available for pre-ordering.)
Happy New Year! Here’s hoping next year’s round-up will be even more encouraging.
[Notes: (1) The opinions expressed here do not represent the official positions of Unmarried Equality. (2) The comment option on the UE website has been invaded by spammers, so I have disabled comments for now. I’ll post all these blog posts at the UE Facebook page; please join our discussions there. (3) For links to previous columns, click here.]
About the Author: Bella DePaulo (PhD, Harvard), a long-time member of Unmarried Equality, is the author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After and How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century, among other books. She writes the “Living Single” blog for Psychology Today and the “Single at Heart” blog for Psych Central. Visit her website at www.BellaDePaulo.com and take a look at her TEDx talk, “What no one ever told you about people who are single.”
About Bella DePaulo
