Marjorie Taylor Greene (MTG), Congressional Representative from Georgia and far-right troll, thought she had landed a devastating shaming blow to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), Congressional Representative from New York and progressive activist, when she pointed out that she had never married and does not have kids. (Here’s the clip on X.)
MTG was talking to Eric Bolling (who used to be on Fox News) about AOC’s presidential prospects, and teed up a whole series of supposedly disqualifying biographical facts. I’ll skip over the ones about how it is a mark against her to have worked in a bar and not run a company, or the usual blather about how she’s been “propped up” by the Dems, and get right to it. MTG said:
“she’s never been married, she has no children. . . This is a woman that has really no life experience, has no life wisdom, because she’s never done any of those things. This is why no one will take her serious as a presidential candidate. Because we. . . don’t want someone making the most important decisions in America, on behalf of Americans, who most of them. . . have children, have been married.”
It is almost too easy to use MTG, a grievance-monger and conspiracy theorist, as an example. In this case, though, I think she is capturing something that too many ordinary people believe. AOC is hardly the first political person to have her suitability for public office questioned because she does not have a spouse or kids.
What’s Wrong with Using “Single with No Kids” as an Insult? Let Me Count the Ways
First, the easy stuff. Having a spouse and children is not as commonplace as MTG thinks. Close to half of all adults in the US are not married, and of those, around 60 percent have never been married. And birth rates have been declining for decades.
This next one should be easy, but I don’t know if it is. People who are single with no children have no life experience, no life wisdom? You know that dismissive taunt, “Get a life!”? That’s the accusation here. Single people with no kids have no life experience, no life. Oh, and no wisdom either. Actually, as I discussed in Single at Heart, I think that single people – especially the single at heart – may have more different kinds of experiences that are potentially perspective-changing. That’s what’s called a “psychologically rich” life. And it is associated with greater wisdom.
And now, the big one: I think it can be a sign of great leadership potential to not be married and not have kids. If you are married with children, your focus is on your spouse, your children, and perhaps the constituents who are also married with children. It is different for single people, especially the Single at Heart. They have more expansive, open-hearted perspectives on the people who count. To them, there are many people who count as significant others – it doesn’t have to be someone with whom you are presumably having sex. Close friends, special relatives, cherished mentors, and many others are often important to single people. In fact, single people in general (and not just the single at heart) are more often in touch with their friends, family, neighbors, and coworkers; in contrast, people who marry tend to become more insular.
As for the matter of children, I wonder whether people who do not have children are more attuned to the world’s children, as compared to the parents who are focused on their own or other children like theirs.
Having kids may also make political leaders especially vulnerable. Remember the West Wing episode in which President Bartlet’s daughter Zoey is abducted? The president couldn’t deal with the abduction and the presidency. He had to step down temporarily. Same for a spouse, as Designated Survivor suggested. Both are fiction, but probably not far from the truth.
But What If I’m Wrong and Single People with No Kids Are Mostly Focused on Other Single People with No Kids?
Suppose I’m wrong in thinking that single people with no kids have broader circles of caring, that go beyond the usual political rhetoric about “families” and “working families.” Suppose they are more attuned to other people who are also single with no kids. After nearly two and a half centuries of dominance by presidents and other political leaders who are married with children, maybe we would all benefit from something different.
After all, it is AOC, not MTG, who is for universal health care, ample and affordable housing, affordable education, and aging with dignity. Whereas the present system discriminates by marital status, providing hundreds of benefits and protections only to people who are legally married, a singles-centered platform would aspire toward a decent life for all. Married people would be included all along, and they would be less vulnerable than they were under a marriage-centered system once they become single again through divorce or widowhood.
Back to that Supposed Insult
Mike Sington, the person who posted the video of MTG trying to slime AOC, had this to say about it:
“This is a woman, she’s never been married, she has no children…” Marjorie Taylor Greene hits Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez with deeply personal attack. Note: Marjorie Taylor Greene is a hot mess whose husband filed for divorce against her “for openly cheating with men”.
When Sington says that the attack was “deeply personal,” I think he is implicitly agreeing that being single with no kids is something to feel badly about. He counters that with a dig at MTG.
My take is different. I think people such as the single at heart who are powerfully drawn to single life and who embrace that life should feel proud. They are living authentically, rather than caving to other people’s judgments about how they should live. Single people who do not want to be single can be proud of themselves for having standards and not just settling for whomever comes along.
Marital status or romantic relationship status is different from parental status. Some people who are single (including the single at heart) do have kids and some people who are married or romantically coupled do not. My take on parental status is similar to my take on romantic relationship status: People who have chosen not to have kids should feel proud of themselves for following their own hearts rather than other people’s presumptuousness. And people who don’t have kids but want them should never feel shamed by the MTGs of the world who try to put them down.
When Sington dissed MTG, it reminded me of when people say things like, “It is better to be single than in a bad romantic relationship.” That’s grudging. For the single at heart, it is better to be single than to organize your life around any romantic relationship, including even great ones. We don’t need to lambaste other people in order to defend ourselves. We need no defense.
You can’t shame those of us who are single at heart by pointing to our single status. We are proud of that.
[Notes: (1) The opinions expressed here do not represent the official positions of Unmarried Equality. (2) I’ll post all these blog posts at the UE Facebook page; please join our discussions there. (3) Disclosure: Links to books may include affiliate links. (4) For links to previous columns, click here.]
About Bella DePaulo
