Jaclyn Geller, a longtime member of Unmarried Equality, is guest-posting here to share her bold (and sometimes hilarious) Call to Action for single people who are tired of the pervasive unfairness that advantages married people and deeply disadvantages anyone who is not officially married. Geller, an English professor and author of Here Comes the Bride: Women, Weddings, and the Marriage Mystique, has long been at the cutting edge of thinking on matters of fairness for people who are not married. I have been hosting her guest posts since 2009.
Today’s Call to Action is for people who have always been single (never married) and plan to stay that way. I’ve cross-posted it at Medium and I posted a longer version on the blog at my website – it includes two additional ways single people can claim their rightful place in society. Geller also has advice for people considering betrothal, people who are engaged, people who are married, and people of all relationship statuses. Perhaps some of those Calls to Action will appear here in the future.
Maybe you won’t have the nerve, or the interest, in pursuing all of these suggestions, but anything you can do is a step in the right direction. In any case, I do think you will enjoy reading these! I’m guessing there are at least a few you have never seen anywhere else before.
Being the Change We Want to See:
A Call to Action for People Who Have Never Been Married and Never Plan to Be
By Jaclyn Geller
One way to further relationship-status equity is to behave as if it already exists. Instead of deferring to a world in which marriage rules, let’s refuse to live in that world. Toward this end, here are some suggestions.
- At the doctor’s office, when you fill out forms that define relationship status, repudiate the “married”/“single” binary. Make another box, check it, and write a description that best encapsulates your most meaningful relationships. If this is too time consuming, leave the boxes blank and write “Not applicable” or “Why is this important?” If the receptionist demands that you provide this information to indicate whether you’re covered under a spouse’s insurance policy, explain that the pertinent question is not, “Are you married?” but “Are you covered under someone else’s plan?” If enough people conceptually detach health insurance from matrimony, medical practitioners will have to reword their forms.
- Go to a department store’s bridal registry, and register under the title “Not a Bride” or “Bachelor by Choice.” If enough of these registrations take place, retailors will get the message.
- Visit your employer’s human resources department. State that you’re including your most important person as a health-insurance beneficiary. When the representative asks if this is your spouse, make a point of appearing confused. Then, ask why this matters. The rep will try to qualify your bond according marriage culture’s language. Don’t allow that. Say that it’s a long-term, caring relationship or a life-structuring friendship, or use whatever nomenclature feels right to you. When the representative says you can only enroll another adult you’re married to, act shocked. Ask for a rationale. Don’t leave until you get one, and point out inconsistencies in the explanation.
- Churches and synagogues often rent space to non-members for weddings. Visit a house of worship and speak to the facility booker about having an anti-wedding. Present this as something common. If you’re visiting a synagogue, ask if the sanctuary is available for a ceremony and the event-room for a meal. Weddings generate revenue for houses of worship. If enough unmarrieds produce similar proceeds, we can transform matrimonial spaces.
- If you’re a ritually-minded person, have a commitment ceremony. Celebrate the most important people in your life. One might be a lover with whom you live. Include that relationship, but don’t make it the centerpiece. You could articulate what you most value in each person and express hopes for where the relationship might go. There will be no state licensure, since government has no place interfering in your most loving ties. (Check out the longer version of this guest post, where you can get suggestions for having a commitment ceremony with an amorous partner and learn about a sworn-spinster ceremony from 19th century China.)
- If there’s a young woman who is special to you, throw her an “I’m Not a Bridal Shower.” Likewise, if you’re close with and proud of a young man, give him an “I’m Not a Groom Party.” Ask every guest to bring a gift honoring the person’s non-marital status.
- Calculate the federal, state, income, property, car, and other taxes you pay compared to a married person in your tax bracket. (This may require an accountant’s help.) Since the frequently bemoaned “marriage penalty” is largely fictitious, you’ll likely come out behind. Figure out exactly how far behind you are. Once you have that sum, set a goal. It might be saving for the down-payment on a home or financing continuing education. Send a group letter asking married people you know to finance this goal. Don’t be shy about naming an amount; we subsidize married people every day, and they’re not self-conscious about it.
- Alter the engagement-announcement script.
This requires willingness to be what gay legal-rights scholar and activist Katherine Franke calls, “a turd in the punchbowl.” (Apparently, taking unfashionable views on same-sex marriage earned her this reputation.) When receiving news of someone’s engagement, don’t gush. If a diamond is thrust at you, ignore it. Instead, politely ask why the person is marrying. (For much more about doing this, check out the longer version.)
- Alter the marriage-interrogation script.
If you’re in a sexual relationship, chances are you have fielded the question “When are you setting the date?” Then there’s the blunter, “Why aren’t you married yet?” I have answered this query so many times that it’s become truly tiresome. But I’ve learned some ways to disarm the inquisitor. My fallback response is, “I have a B.A., an M.A., and a PhD. I don’t need an MRS. degree.” This riposte highlights status and the practical reasons people marry. Anyone with a high school, college, or advanced degree can use it. Those with a professional license can too. “I’m a licensed electrician. I don’t need to become ______’s licensed lover.”
If there’s more time, go deeper: “Your question assumes that matrimony is the best structure for love, household configuration, and family. Do you believe this?” As the person grasps for words, take the opportunity to state three excellent facts about unmarried life, such as, “I love the fact that neither of us can be held legally responsible for the other’s financial support,” or, “I feel too secure to demand paperwork,” or, “I value too many partners to enshrine one.” If the question applies, ask your interlocutor why she is married. Turn the tables.
- Alter the getting-engaged script.
If you’re in a sexual relationship and feel romantic, book a table at your favorite restaurant. Once you’re there and seated, ask your romantic partner not to marry you. If your partner agrees, tell the wait-staff and ask that they share this news with the whole room. If you aren’t offered complimentary glasses of champagne, request them. Have someone take a picture, explaining that this is a big moment; you’re committing to non-marital life and becoming part of non-marital history. Future generations in your family will hear about this, and you want to preserve the magic. If enough people do this, restaurateurs will understand.
About Jaclyn Geller
Photo by David Justice
Jaclyn Geller is associate professor of English at Central Connecticut State University, where she specializes in Restoration and Eighteenth-Century Literature. She publishes scholarly articles on this period, analyzing subjects like early-modern satire and authors like Samuel Butler and Samuel Johnson. She is the author of Here Comes the Bride: Women, Weddings, and the Marriage Mystique. Her second book, an analysis of non-marital people’s relationship to history, is forthcoming from Cleis Press. She lives in Central Connecticut and Brooklyn with her family, friends, and books.
[The opinions expressed here do not represent the official positions of Unmarried Equality.]
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