Ever since my new book, Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life, was published in December, something magical has happened: more and more people have let it be known that they want to be single at heart. They want to fit the profile. That includes people in committed romantic relationships who perhaps had never before considered the possibility that being single could be a way of flourishing – and for some people, the single at heart, the best possible way.
After a lifetime of hearing people say things like, “It’s ok to be single,” and thinking they are being kind rather than patronizing, I’ve turned the tables. In Single at Heart, I make the case that people who are single at heart are happy and flourishing because they are single, not in spite of it. For the single at heart, the risk is not what we would miss if we did not put a romantic partner at the center of our lives, but what we would miss if we did.
We have our freedom, and within the limits of our resources and opportunities, we use that freedom to create meaningful and fulfilling lives that are an expression of who we really are. For the single at heart, single life is an authentic life. We pursue experiences we find enriching and that can never be taken away by divorce or any other casualty of romantic coupling. We are not afraid of spending time alone; in fact, we savor our solitude. We invest in the people we care about rather than sidelining them in deference to a romantic partner. Couples split the chores of everyday life (however unfairly); single people who live alone figure out how to get them all done. We who are single at heart have big, open-hearted understandings of relationships, family, love, and intimacy.
Because of all those powers of being single at heart, many of us shatter one of the most enduring stereotypes of single people – that as we grow old, our lives will become increasingly sad and lonely. Instead, as I explain in Chapter 8, “How life turns out,” we are often faring better than those who are married, and especially better than those who are widowed or divorced.
This is a whole different story than patting single people on the head and telling them it is ok to be single, or at least it is better than being in a bad romantic relationship. I think it has implications for social justice.
Beyond Tolerance
For decades, even before DEI (diversity, equity, inclusion) became a thing, we’ve all been encouraged to be tolerant of people in devalued groups. Tolerance was goodness.
I think tolerance sounds grudging. I don’t want single people to be tolerated. I want way more than that. I want people who embrace their single lives – who live their single lives fully, joyfully, and unapologetically – to be admired. I want a happy single life to be aspirational, the real prize rather than a consolation prize, for those most likely to flourish by living single.
So far, single people in the US have not created their own social movement on a par with those of other devalued groups, such as women, queer people, or people racialized as black. There are some early signs of progress (I’ll write more when there is more to say). I think those efforts will be bolstered by an affirming message rather than a plea for tolerance. Remember “Black Is Beautiful”?
Flipping One of the Biggest Impediments to Progress for Single People
In the last chapter of Single at Heart, “The resistance,” I explained what I thought was the biggest impediment to the creation of a social movement for single people – being single is something that can be changed. If you want all the benefits, protections, and perks of being married, it is sometimes argued, you can just get married. That sentiment is misguided in so many ways (as I discussed in the book), but it persists.
Members of other devalued groups aren’t offered comparable advice because their qualifying characteristic is seen as unchangeable. No one tells women that if they want all the advantages that men often enjoy just because they are men, they should just become men. Instead, it is more often argued that devalued groups such as women, the differently abled, and older people should be treated fairly because they don’t have the option of becoming a member of the more valued group.
But if being single is something to aspire to rather than something to come to terms with, then the whole set of dynamics flips. From that affirming perspective, single is how growing numbers of people want to live. And we want to continue living single. To us, being single is about as irreversible as being old. From that perspective, our advocacy is not a plea for tolerance or charity; it comes from a position of strength. I think that is a firmer foundation on which to build lasting social change.
[Notes: (1) The opinions expressed here do not represent the official positions of Unmarried Equality. (2) I’ll post all these blog posts at the UE Facebook page; please join our discussions there. (3) Disclosure: Links to books may include affiliate links. (4) For links to previous columns, click here.]
Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash
About Bella DePaulo
