Tomorrow (September 18) is the first day of Unmarried and Single Americans Week, a time to keep in mind the ways in which single people contribute to society but are rarely recognized or rewarded the way married people are. Consider, for example, some workplace practices.
Earlier this year, the boss of a UK company proudly proclaimed on Twitter that he had some special gifts for his employees who were getting married:
“This is a busy time of the year for colleagues at Timpson to get married, so it’s great to be able to give them an extra weeks holiday (fully paid), £100 towards the flowers, and provide a nice car and driver to be used on the special day.”
I’m sure he thought he was being kind and gracious, making his company an amazing place to work. But unless he was offering something comparable to all of his employees, and not just celebrating those who marry, I think he was practicing discrimination.
The “Real-Life Dream Boss” in the U.S.
In 2016, a U.S. employer, Chieh Huang, CEO of Boxed (a company that delivers groceries and household goods in bulk), got tons of good press when he, too, gave something very special to his employees who got married – he offered to pay for their weddings, up to $20,000. He was called the “real-life dream boss.” But what was that like for the loyal employees of that company, who worked there for decades, and stayed single the whole time? Did they think it was fair that their coworkers – not because of any special accomplishments in the workplace – got an extra $20,000 to celebrate themselves and their romantic relationship?
I’ve been single all my life, and that’s by choice. I’m Single at Heart – single is how I live my best, most meaningful, and most authentic life. It is not painful for me when other people marry because it is not something I want for myself. I think everyone should get to live the life that best suits them, so if that means marriage for some people and they find someone they want to marry, I’m happy for them. But consider the single people who yearn for a spouse but have never found the right person. Most likely, they are already giving their emotional labor to their marrying colleagues, as they participate in the requisite congratulations and oohs and aahs over the rings and the plans for the festivities. At some level, that has to hurt. On top of that, they are supposed to be happy that their coworkers are getting an extra $20,000 for their party? I don’t think so.
Huang said he was moved to pay for his employees’ weddings when he found one of them in tears on the warehouse floor. The employee, whose job was to pack boxes, had been working double shifts to save for his wedding. But then he had to spend the money on his mother’s medical bills.
I would have no objection to a boss who helped with medical bills. I would feel so enormously grateful not to need help with medical bills that I would not care at all if a fellow employee got extra money for that purpose. But $20,000 to pay for a big wedding bash, a gift that says that one person’s spousal relationship is more consequential than any other relationship any other worker might have? No.
Huang also pays for employees’ kids to go to college. That strikes me as a bit more worthy, but still unfair to employees who do not have kids or those whose kids are uninterested in higher education. If generosity is his goal, maybe the CEO should offer every employee a splurge account that is the same amount for everyone, to be used however they wish. That’s the “cafeteria-style” program of benefits, and it is fair to everyone.
Other policies of Huang’s are both generous and nondiscriminatory. For example:
“Boxed gives… hourly workers the same benefits as salaried ones. They are very good benefits, including health insurance and – notably – unlimited sick time and vacation time.”
That’s the kind of policy I can celebrate.
More Systematic Favoritism of Married Employees Over Single Employees
The extravagant gifts given by some employers only to their employees who get married are probably intended as a one-time perk. (I don’t know what happens if the same employee marries over and over again.) Other examples of singlism in the workplace are more systematic – married employees consistently get a total compensation package that is more than what single employees get, month after month, year after year.
One big important example is employer contributions to health care premiums. A 2021 survey of 1,686 non-federal private and public firms found that the average employer contribution to single-person plans was $6,440. The average contribution to family plans was 2.5 times that: $16,253. The employees getting all that extra money from their firms are not putting in 2.5 times the hours or doing work that is 2.5 times better than the single employees; they are getting way more compensation because they have families – or rather, the kinds of families that count.
Another survey of 300 U.S. companies, from 2019, also documented greater contributions to the health care plans of married employees than single employees. That survey also uncovered other practices that favored married employees and disadvantaged single ones. For example, 34 percent of the companies gave their married employees additional pension contributions. Another example is bereavement leave, which is routinely offered for a spouse’s funeral; but only 29 percent of companies offer such leave for a friend’s funeral.
Other benefits are offered exclusively, or disproportionately, to employees who have children. Some single people are parents and some married people are not, so this is not a straightforward issue of marital status, but single people are less likely to have children, so it is not irrelevant.
It’s About More Than Just Money and Perks
When single employees get a total compensation package that is thousands of dollars less than their married coworkers, just because they are single and their coworkers are married, that is obviously costly, financially, and it is unfair. But it is also costly psychologically. The single employees are learning that they just aren’t as valued or as respected as their married coworkers. No matter how hard they work, or how successful they are at their work, they just won’t be accorded the same compensation as their coworkers who are married.
When single employees do not get the same access to medical leave to care for a close friend or relative that a married coworker gets to care for their spouse, or when they don’t get bereavement leave to attend the funeral of the most important person in their life, they are getting another message: The people in their lives just aren’t as valued as the spouse of a married coworker. Again, it doesn’t matter how close the single workers may be to their friend or relative, how long that person has been in their life, or how interconnected their lives may be – because that person is not a spouse or romantic partner, they are considered less important.
The South Korean Example of Rewarding Employees Who Stay Single
In South Korea, some companies are treating their single employees just as generously as their married ones. For example, at a cosmetics company, employees who announce their intention to stay single can get the same congratulatory allowance and 10 days of vacation time that newlyweds get for their honeymoon. That company, which gives childcare subsidies, also gives monthly pet allowances. A department store offers similar perks to their single employees. Those companies are getting rewarded with good publicity, and probably with happy single workers, too.
Happy Singles Week
The third week of September is Unmarried and Single Americans Week. The Census Bureau recognizes it each year with a release of the latest statistics. Continuing a trend ongoing for decades, the percentage of married adults is decreasing while the percentage of adults who have never been married is increasing. As of the most recent data, for 2021, there are 122 million adults in the U.S., 18 and older, who are not married (divorced, separated, widowed, or always-single). That’s nearly half – 48.2 percent – of all adults who are 18 and older.
The growing number of single people means that it is even more urgent for workplaces to be fair to their single employees. But I’d want them to be fair even if they had only one employee who was not married. Calling attention to singlism in the workplace is just one reason why Singles Week is so important. Previously at my Living Single blog at Psychology Today, I described 20 other reasons why we need this week. They are not all about the ways in which single people are treated unfairly – some of them are celebratory. Both are important. I am forever grateful for all that single life has to offer, while staying mindful of what still needs to be done to have societies that are fair to all people, regardless of their marital or romantic relationship status.
[Notes: (1) The opinions expressed here do not represent the official positions of Unmarried Equality. (2) I’ll post all these blog posts at the UE Facebook page; please join our discussions there. (3) For links to previous columns, click here. (4) I’m cross-posting this article at my Living Single blog at Psychology Today, with the permission of UE.]
About Bella DePaulo
